These early mornings of January are quite bitter cold. I am reminded of last year's lockdown, when Churches were shuttered and public Masses cancelled. I resolved myself to stand outside a window tucked away and attend Mass daily, I was quiet about this then except to few friends. I was then very pregnant too, wearing my husband's snow pants, not always cheerful by the window , I am human, was pissed off at the state of things. It was though a most humbling experience and even one of surprising reparation.
At one point the weeks got as cold as -24 with windchill, it was that week that was the most challenging , at one point in praying for the Diocese on way to get to my window I let out a "are you freaking serious Cardinal Collins open the Churches!" and Yes, I realize how ridiculous it was, enough to laugh about it and work to pray with love.
After my temper tantrums the most amazing thing was that on the coldest of mornings the grace of God met my needs, this was not always by warm and fuzzy sentiments, but humiliations, it instructed me about what God's hidden grace and consolation must be to those who truly suffer deeply, who endure much, how much unknown mercy is sent them? Tho we perceive how they suffer and see the bitter cold of their anguish from outside, we cannot imagine until we faithfully endure suffering ourself the mystery of God's provision and nearness. And though suffering may not be absolved instantly there is an accompaniment assured.
Mass through the window in silence was also a beautiful thing. To see the Eucharist and be present to it daily was worth the cold. I personally could not digest a "zoomable" Lord, He was worth the cold , and being pregnant, meant no fasting, so this to me was something I could do in it's place. And no I am not a scrupulous freak, but fleshy mortifications are good for the soul and others. I also thought of my nonna at times in my little window watching, she was reduced for a time to window visits with her husband of over 60 years, I cannot imagine that anguish personally, tho he had advanced dimentia, she remembered him and their love. She went faithfully to that window until she couldn't. True presence is important.
I had time in the cold to contemplate a lot, to reflect even on things long past. But, at first my contemplations were outside of myself and poorly misguided at society around me, it is easy to look at others and declare "they should be here standing" " how dare they line up for new iphones in the cold and leave the Lord unvisited!!" "Costco is full but Mass is a 'super-spreader'" yada yada..... what a blessing it was when the Lord took my whining and reminded me of myself, these cold mornings I started to unravel insights into old sins like an onion, "what have I stood for in my life?" "where have I stood in sacrifice, enduring the elements saying 'it is worth it?' In exploring this I found many answers, many prior "lords" in my life that I chose to worship and adore. A first thing that came to my attention was a soccer pitch, the first "god" I knew. In snow, sleet, cold, heat, all of it, in unbearable elements I showed up and ran, for what? ultimately? I was obedient and disciplined for a game, I sacrificed because I loved, and others did too , I remember my father on the sidelines, sitting with an umbrella in November hail in Cape Breton for Nationals, for a game my coach benched me for! My father took time off work, flew to Cape Breton, endured the elements because of love for me, he wanted to be present.... When I looked in the window at the massive Cross above our parish Altar and at our Lord nailed to it, suddenly outside wasn't that cold anymore. On I went morning after morning, bitter, and the Lord brought to my attention all the night club lines in the thick of winter I stood in faithfully, vested in much much less than snow pants or any pants (forgive me Lord), but not complaining, OUCH, Jesus.
What is the point of sharing all this? I think the hidden sacrifices we endure out of love for the Lord have immense value beyond our understanding. I think it is easy in our day, and even in the climate of the Church to point fingers at everyone else, to expect more, to declare another should be standing, should be doing more. Maybe we do not want to do the mundane that is ultimately ours, we do not wish to peer deeply at the mess of ourselves, we risk though never encountering the glory of mercy deeply and seeing how loved we are!! This will help us love the Lord and others more fully, this will make the Church radiate with the presence of Christ. Our personal conversion is so layered and a perpetual process. My turn from all that hellish way of living was many years ago, many confessed times ago, but yet our Lord returned it to my mind, to humble me, to continue a work in me, that helped me love Him more, and be able to purify prayer for the Church and my love in the home.
The Lord can use all things for His glory, even the messiness.
There is nothing wasted when He is loved, and we cannot discount our part in God's active vineyard , most especially when it seems insignificant or bitter cold.
what is it you sacrifice for, finding value? What are the lords of your life that you are willing to stand for?
kneel before God, know yourself loved.
